Definition of a mother-A woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth!
Last week I struggled wondering should I get my birth mother a gift for mothers day. I honestly dislike mothers day and I have my very reasons as to why. I struggled so hard with the issue last week that I began to feel depressed and lonely. I started reminiscing, and questioning myself as to why this, and why that, and should I, or should I not. It wasnt until I was sitting in church on Sunday that I really began to get depressed which has never happened to me ever! The devil started attacking me and I was letting him win for a good while. He started attacking my mind, saying little things such as remember the day she told you that she didnt want you and she should have aborted you like she started to when she found out she was pregnant with you? Remember when she left you and your brother with your grandmother and grandfather and came back and got your brother and left you there with your grandfather after your grandmother passed?..which by the way was the best thing that ever happened to me. Remember she let your brother do everything and she didnt let you do anything when she did decide to come back and get you? Remember all the times she used you and abused you? Remember that??? Well I sat in church and I was perfectly fine most of the service. It wasnt until I came back in church when my Pastor stated for every parent hug there child and pray for them and lay hands on them. I instantly became uncomfortable and low key pissed off because it made me think my mama never hugged me, my mama never prayed for me, my mama never told me she loved me. I really wanted to get up grab my keys and purse and walk out of church. I can truly say it bothered me the rest of the day. It wasnt until I got a text message with a positive statement but the end of the statement caught my attention and it just simply said..."Snap out of It"....Instantly I did because while I sat in disgust for half the evening unhappy and being torchered in my mind, God reminded me that I was still blessed and well taken care of and that I was surrounded by people that love me. He also reminded me that he was a mother for the motherless...
Throughout my life I have always had women "take me in as their daughter, godaughters etc." Ask me what happend to them? Hell if I know...I often realize that in my past I have tried so hard to be a daughter to a bunch of mothers that arent mine...I think I tried to be so perfect and living my life trying to satisfy people that didnt really love me for who I was they just liked what I did to please and satisfy them and I became a person that they could use I guess...Yesterday once I snapped back into reality, I thought to myself that this whole situation isnt as bad as it seems. I was reminded that I have a family that loves me dearly. I can truly say that the family I am with now we have had our ups and downs but I wouldnt trade them for anything in the world and I am so greatful that they have accepted me as their own. Recently God has blessed me with a lady whom I love so much until its sickening. She's all that I have ever wanted in a mother and deep down inside I know that God has placed us together for a reason!!...I know that all mothers are not perfect and dont confess to be. I know that all children are not perfect and dont confess to be but it takes a mother to teach and train their child like my pastor said yesterday you train a child not raise them you raise cattle!...I would say im cattle thinking on how I was raised but my grandfather and grandmother (God rest her soul) did a good job with training and teaching me.
I do understand that my situation could be worse than what it is. Reality sat in last night and I realized that I could be out in the streets like some girls out there in the world, hungry, no clothes, no love, no nothing, but I have all that. I have family, shelter, and honestly I really dont want for anything but a mothers love. As I sat in church yesterday the dumbest idea from the devil ran across my mind. I thought to myself as I had to sit and watch mothers love on their kids, that maybe I should have my own child, one to love me and bring me joy, one that I can train and love as my own, but I quickly snapped out of that foolishness...hell no Candace get a grip not right now. At the end of this whole little blog I wrote, I can say that the devil is defeated...Im not ashamed to say he had my mind but I quickly got it back. I wrote this blog to free myself because I had a burden sitting on me so hard I felt like precious was laying on top of me. All day yesterday I dealt with headaches, chest pains and anxiety but I just kept it all to myself, but now that Ive written this I feel alright...oh yes i do! Mp
5/14/12
